I was 8 when my dad passed

and so in many ways it was a vacant holiday for me. Until 1973 when I shared Father's Day with Dave and his dad for the very first time.  Not only did I treasure my soon to be father in law but Dave was my new and long awaited protector, lover, my everything. I think I finally understood what a father figure was when he stepped in to care for me and support me emotionally.  He never said no, don't try this, or maybe you shouldn't  do that. It was always left  up to me to explore, reach out, extend myself, whether in business, friendships, the community. He was my greatest supporter and always there to encourage me along the way.

For 42+ years we celebrated Father's Day traditions. We had our cat, then our cats, then our dogs, then our kids.

One of my daughters called today to say happy father's day. A mom now, she realized as a mom what I had done over the years to facilitate all those celebrations for her dad when everyone was little. I thanked her and said I enjoyed and gave it considerable thought for many years.  It certainly is not a holiday about me but it definitely became a family holiday because of me.

No one deserved it more than my husband. He brought the joy, balance and steadiness to my/our lives.  A strong and compassionate and quiet man, he listened and allowed  people to vent, discuss, explore and try new things.  I find that on most days I push through knowing that is what he wanted me to do. Do not be bitter he said. Promise to stay strong and carry on. I am trying Dave. Honestly, I am doing ok but on quite a few days lately and many a night it is just so damn lonely and sad. I prayed for God to take you as I couldn't bear to see you struggle any longer. You wanted dignity and grace and you were a champion through to the end. So for your peace I am grateful.

 Last night I was reading the handmade cards he would create for me and I for him. I was filled with sweet memories of holidays gone by and my eyes filled with tears of joy, thanks and memories that I try to grasp and hold onto.  It ended in a flood of grief stricken tears. Overwhelmed in the knowledge that once again he was gone from my life forever.

I struggle for my part on this journey, I'm at a loss right now. I miss you Dave,  your smile and your hugs and your gentle hands to hold. Your advice, your perspective and your balance, that's it, I am out of balance and trying to find my way. I have friends, I have our family,  all so supportive but
in the end, it's me alone with the memory of you by my side.

Happy Father's Day my love, thank you for everything along the way.