7 months and 7 days

7 months, how is that possible.? Most days I can not figure out the exact day of the week but I always know when the 30th rolls around. I think I always will. For some reason Sundays are very hard. I think it was always the day we looked forward to the most. Our time together to do nothing other than what we needed or wanted to do. I try to remember and live in the good memories of all the years we had and not in the last couple months but I struggle.  I still realize fully how lucky I am to have such great kids and friends. Not a day goes by when someone isn't reaching out via text, email or a phone call. The invites come but still, it doesn't fill the emptiness in my soul. I try to block it out these days. The loneliness is not a place where I can dwell. I know you did not want that for me at all. I promised you I would stay strong and positive. I am trying.  I read more, watch movies, go out, run errands, keep up the house and try to do for others. I find that helps give me a purpose and fills my days. Dave, you'd laugh, you who knew me so well. I never went to the doctors other than the usual physicals or mammograms and preventive tests. Ah, the preventive tests. How many preventive tests are we doing today? Enough that we could be at the doctors, once a month, preventatively. I injured myself in May, 6 plus months ago. I have been to my primary more often than I care to say, PT for 2 straight months, an orthopedist, a vascular surgeon. I've had xrays, ultrasounds and now tonight in a bit I go for my first MRI. I'm ok and will be fine I am sure but it's ironic. Maybe my leg is dying of a broken heart. I spent the better part of my adult life caring for others, being their advocate. My sister, my mom and then of course you Dave. It was my privilege to do it but I sure do wish I had a me by my side. The reality is I am alone. I am comfortable in my own skin and a brave enough soul but once again, it's just lonely. You aren't here to listen Dave. I talk aloud, touch my heart and look at your pictures but I am alone. I find I can speak to the girls but really, what is there to say? They miss you so much. Everyone does.  I feel as though it is constant complaining when I voice it outside of our home. It never felt that way with you. I listened to you and you to me. I'll find a way to carry on. I am actually. Every day I get up, get dressed, go out and take steps forward. Every night, no matter what I do, I come home alone. I know I have come a long way these past several months. When I look back I see what I have accomplished. I have a tattoo now! Your signature with a musical note and it's over my heart! It actually makes me very happy. I touch it and feel close to you, as close as I am able now. I do know you have been around lately through your music and your little messages we all feel your presence. Hey, we were lucky to love you and have you in our lives for so very long. As I've said many times before, when its good it's never long enough.

I was 8 when my dad passed

and so in many ways it was a vacant holiday for me. Until 1973 when I shared Father's Day with Dave and his dad for the very first time.  Not only did I treasure my soon to be father in law but Dave was my new and long awaited protector, lover, my everything. I think I finally understood what a father figure was when he stepped in to care for me and support me emotionally.  He never said no, don't try this, or maybe you shouldn't  do that. It was always left  up to me to explore, reach out, extend myself, whether in business, friendships, the community. He was my greatest supporter and always there to encourage me along the way.

For 42+ years we celebrated Father's Day traditions. We had our cat, then our cats, then our dogs, then our kids.

One of my daughters called today to say happy father's day. A mom now, she realized as a mom what I had done over the years to facilitate all those celebrations for her dad when everyone was little. I thanked her and said I enjoyed and gave it considerable thought for many years.  It certainly is not a holiday about me but it definitely became a family holiday because of me.

No one deserved it more than my husband. He brought the joy, balance and steadiness to my/our lives.  A strong and compassionate and quiet man, he listened and allowed  people to vent, discuss, explore and try new things.  I find that on most days I push through knowing that is what he wanted me to do. Do not be bitter he said. Promise to stay strong and carry on. I am trying Dave. Honestly, I am doing ok but on quite a few days lately and many a night it is just so damn lonely and sad. I prayed for God to take you as I couldn't bear to see you struggle any longer. You wanted dignity and grace and you were a champion through to the end. So for your peace I am grateful.

 Last night I was reading the handmade cards he would create for me and I for him. I was filled with sweet memories of holidays gone by and my eyes filled with tears of joy, thanks and memories that I try to grasp and hold onto.  It ended in a flood of grief stricken tears. Overwhelmed in the knowledge that once again he was gone from my life forever.

I struggle for my part on this journey, I'm at a loss right now. I miss you Dave,  your smile and your hugs and your gentle hands to hold. Your advice, your perspective and your balance, that's it, I am out of balance and trying to find my way. I have friends, I have our family,  all so supportive but
in the end, it's me alone with the memory of you by my side.

Happy Father's Day my love, thank you for everything along the way.