7 months and 7 days

7 months, how is that possible.? Most days I can not figure out the exact day of the week but I always know when the 30th rolls around. I think I always will. For some reason Sundays are very hard. I think it was always the day we looked forward to the most. Our time together to do nothing other than what we needed or wanted to do. I try to remember and live in the good memories of all the years we had and not in the last couple months but I struggle.  I still realize fully how lucky I am to have such great kids and friends. Not a day goes by when someone isn't reaching out via text, email or a phone call. The invites come but still, it doesn't fill the emptiness in my soul. I try to block it out these days. The loneliness is not a place where I can dwell. I know you did not want that for me at all. I promised you I would stay strong and positive. I am trying.  I read more, watch movies, go out, run errands, keep up the house and try to do for others. I find that helps give me a purpose and fills my days. Dave, you'd laugh, you who knew me so well. I never went to the doctors other than the usual physicals or mammograms and preventive tests. Ah, the preventive tests. How many preventive tests are we doing today? Enough that we could be at the doctors, once a month, preventatively. I injured myself in May, 6 plus months ago. I have been to my primary more often than I care to say, PT for 2 straight months, an orthopedist, a vascular surgeon. I've had xrays, ultrasounds and now tonight in a bit I go for my first MRI. I'm ok and will be fine I am sure but it's ironic. Maybe my leg is dying of a broken heart. I spent the better part of my adult life caring for others, being their advocate. My sister, my mom and then of course you Dave. It was my privilege to do it but I sure do wish I had a me by my side. The reality is I am alone. I am comfortable in my own skin and a brave enough soul but once again, it's just lonely. You aren't here to listen Dave. I talk aloud, touch my heart and look at your pictures but I am alone. I find I can speak to the girls but really, what is there to say? They miss you so much. Everyone does.  I feel as though it is constant complaining when I voice it outside of our home. It never felt that way with you. I listened to you and you to me. I'll find a way to carry on. I am actually. Every day I get up, get dressed, go out and take steps forward. Every night, no matter what I do, I come home alone. I know I have come a long way these past several months. When I look back I see what I have accomplished. I have a tattoo now! Your signature with a musical note and it's over my heart! It actually makes me very happy. I touch it and feel close to you, as close as I am able now. I do know you have been around lately through your music and your little messages we all feel your presence. Hey, we were lucky to love you and have you in our lives for so very long. As I've said many times before, when its good it's never long enough.