9 and almost a half months

But who's counting really? The holidays came and went and if it wasn't for my family a difficult time would have been so much harder. Rachel came and stayed for a week. She was my sleepover buddy and that was so comforting to me. We had fun and I felt less alone for that time. Em and Dan arrived and then Barry and though Dan had to work, Rachel, Em and Barry and I got through Christmas Eve. It was not easy but so glad to have them with me. Kate, Tom and crew arrived Christmas Day and filled up our house with joy and more life than it had seen in a while. Thankful for all of that craziness. Keely and PJ were at home in Chicago with the kiddos and I was grateful for that as it was their first holiday at home. The festivities were not as festive without the little ones to share in the cousins joy but again, I was grateful.

The Hallmark channel and the simple messages of love took up a lot of the lonely nights. I laugh as I had never watched these shows before but they became a great source of comfort on the nights when I sat missing you Dave.I just didn't realize how profound the loss would be.  Your life goes from full, busy, involved and constantly with your love to quiet and alone.  Especially Sundays, always our most favorite day of the week. After we sold our restaurant we held Sundays as sacred. We drank coffee, read the paper and relaxed together. Small projects got done but we were always there in the house, around the house together. Now I make lists, accomplish them and am alone. I have a few great friends who lift me up, a few good invites a week but at the end of the day I come home alone and start out the day alone. I am comfortable in my own skin most days, I just deeply and profoundly miss you Dave. You alone, loved me unconditionally, you hugged me, touched my neck, my hand, my heart. You encouraged, reasoned, argued and listened.

I moved your picture from next to the recliner to the tv speaker. Now instead of over my shoulder you are there when I want to look at it. Sounds silly, as I have several of your pictures in the room but it was significant for me.

I still sleep on the right side of the bed, after 43 years what else can I do. The left side is still your side, I try inching over but its a phantom space that will always belong to you I think.

I started swimming. It's been good. Cranwell gives me a bright spot in my day to look forward to and I am grateful. Exercising and losing weight a bit at a time. First time in 37 years that I can think of myself and take time. The kids, work 7 days a week and my mom took time and I don't regret any of it, except the last few months of your life which still breaks my heart when I allow myself to go back to that time. Again, I don't regret any of it, just miss you deeply. I am so thankful that through the years, even when times were tough we paid our bills and worked hard for our financial future. The money doesn't replace you at all and I would go back in a heart beat to the days or you and me together but it helps me to live a gentler life. I made quite a few donations in your name this year. The kids all keep you alive in their stories, pictures and heart. You are missed because you were a respected, loved, talented and honorable man. That's your legacy and it is a great one.

My knee is slowly healing. After 9 mos of craziness, misdiagnosis, working it too hard, testing and too many doctor visits,  I feel I am on the road to healing. Trying to avoid a surgery that will only lead to more surgery.  I am off to swim soon and then meet Pat for lunch. Funny how two horribly sad happenings have brought us in to the club that no one wants to belong to, the widow's club. We laugh and joke,  she gets me and I get her. We cry but the time spent together is filled with more fun than of sadness these days.  I am grateful to be alive and will try to keep going forward and create my new life. I know you would not want it any other way, you said as much. Miss you my sweetheart, always. x