March and there is madness

Still trying here. Swimming as many days as my leg lets me. Trying to get out and plan something every day. Traveling when I am able. I am better when I am busy but it's hard. The nights are still desperately lonely. I read, watch TV, listen to music. Ah the music, the story and history of our days together. Thinking I won't list the house this spring but I really do have to move and down size. I thought the Cape was the answer but that might not make sense, not sure now. I love the ocean but want to be close to the kids. E wants that, K doesn't think that's a good idea. Not sure why, I have always wanted to be the gm to help. I thought I was but now not so sure it is welcome. KE is far away, not an option for me, R is in N so that doesn't make sense. I sit and try to figure it out but it always comes back to just me, alone, trying to forge ahead. Friends say I am doing well. It doesn't feel it. Lots and lots of loss lately. I could go seek out other kids to help but it is so sad to me that I have to do that, never thought I would be thinking along these lines. Dave told me to stay close and be a support to K, she'd need it, but that is not what she is saying at all. So if that door is not open I'll just have to understand that life as he knew it has changed. I'll be fine I know. I am a survivor, just have to recreate myself somehow. Praying on it each and every day. Dave, it'll be two years at the end of the month. I miss your arms around me and your loving encouragement and support. I love you x