March and there is madness

Still trying here. Swimming as many days as my leg lets me. Trying to get out and plan something every day. Traveling when I am able. I am better when I am busy but it's hard. The nights are still desperately lonely. I read, watch TV, listen to music. Ah the music, the story and history of our days together. Thinking I won't list the house this spring but I really do have to move and down size. I thought the Cape was the answer but that might not make sense, not sure now. I love the ocean but want to be close to the kids. E wants that, K doesn't think that's a good idea. Not sure why, I have always wanted to be the gm to help. I thought I was but now not so sure it is welcome. KE is far away, not an option for me, R is in N so that doesn't make sense. I sit and try to figure it out but it always comes back to just me, alone, trying to forge ahead. Friends say I am doing well. It doesn't feel it. Lots and lots of loss lately. I could go seek out other kids to help but it is so sad to me that I have to do that, never thought I would be thinking along these lines. Dave told me to stay close and be a support to K, she'd need it, but that is not what she is saying at all. So if that door is not open I'll just have to understand that life as he knew it has changed. I'll be fine I know. I am a survivor, just have to recreate myself somehow. Praying on it each and every day. Dave, it'll be two years at the end of the month. I miss your arms around me and your loving encouragement and support. I love you x

a retrospective a year and almost a half later

What amazes me the most is how people really don't get what this is. Some do occasionally grasp the loss but many say things like "Oh I know, I lost my mom, my sister, my cousin, my dog". The loss for my girls and their mates was significantly felt I know. More so than most as Dave had a special impact of his family. Loss is definitely loss but when your heart mate/soul mate leaves this world you are left with the void, th loss and without your constant "other voice and companion". If you have had a great marriage, and I did, we did, we had disagreements but never, ever a moment when we knew we weren't in it for the long haul. Ok, maybe a minute but the point is , we were in it, a commitment and loyalty. We had each other's backs and we there for each other every step of the way. Encouragement, chastisement, advice, laughs, hugs, kisses, intimacy and more. The connection on the spiritual level was profound. I always thought everyone had that, I realize now that this is not the case. People bitch about their partners and continue on in constant struggle and turmoil. Why? Life is just so short. Dave I miss you eery day in every way. I am going along and moving forward a bit easier these days. It will never be better, only a bit gentler until that time of day, that moment when I want to hug you, touch your hand and lay gently next to you in bed, just knowing tomorrow will be another day and you will be by my side. I'm grateful for the time we had. The wonderful children, grandchildren, friends and memories that was our life together. Now I am alone. I hold those memories in my heart and mind. Missing you , Sandy and Felix everyday in so many little ways. Thank you for your love and loyalty and friendship. <3