September

and life goes on. Summer flew by. House prep, care taking of the house, pool, gardens etc. Vacation, then more house prep and thoughts of selling. I didn't list. Decided to wait but search for my next forever home by the water. K & T were helpful and encouraging. THEN I was approached by a broker. He had clients who wanted to see my house. They LOVED it. They made an offer, Can I be out by Oct.19th? Yes I can. Can I? Where will I go? The search and anguish began. I looked and hoped and found and then lost and decided I could stay anywhere for a short while. Then all of a sudden a dear friend offered me her apartment in her house. Could I come see it? I went fell in love and was happy. She offered it for free!! Three hours later the house deal fell through. That was all in 4 short agonizing weeks. Flights were booked, UHAUL'S were rented, kids came to help and now I am here. Back in the house I know I should sell but am being told to wait for the spring market. I am in a good place but thoroughly exhausted. A few more strings to untie and then settle in for the next season. Pool closed today. Now to get the windows hung, wall insert up and everything else buttoned up. I have met new friends, my true ones have revealed themselves and I am all the richer for it. I also found a small house for rent by a cranberry bog. Should I do it? I think so. It might ease the pain of having to move on from this home that I love and hoping to be enthusiastic about it all. My kids and grand kiddos are healthy and happy and secure, as much as we all can be. I am very grateful. Optimism kicking in. I am down 5 sizes, feeling great, looking pretty good. My head is clearer than ever before. Now by the grace of God I will carry on.

pale purple roses

Lilac roses actually. Dave gave them to me for our 35th. I love them. We repotted them on Sunday so they will continue to thrive.I can not wait to replant in our rose garden. Apparently, I do have one.
So I found this old post/draft above from 2009 and decided to publish it. Continuing on my life's journey a lot has happened since I last wrote. It has been 3 years since Dave has passed. "'Til death do us part" resonated within me and I put aside my deep grief and although I will always honor what we had together I know he would want me to move on. It is what i would want for him if the situation was reversed. I have his name/signature close to my heart in my special signature tattoo, that helps. I took off my wedding ring and fashioned flat gold hoops earrings from of both of our wedding rings. I can now enjoy them whenever I wish and they make me happy. I have started taking care of me. Losing weight, swimming, yoga, just overall general focus and care. It has been a long time in coming as I have always cared for everyone else. No regrets but nice to be able to focus on me. It feels awesome!! I have also met many new people; Cranwell swimmers, on a European cruise with a dear friend, people in the Berkshire and Cape community. I have done a few upgrades to the house in preparation to sell but realize I may need a bit more time to hug this place that I love so much. It is special and makes me happy. I believe I will uno when it is time to move on. I'm grateful for friends and family who support me and optimistic for the days ahead.

and its Mother's Day

I am so lucky. I have memories of years and years of you bringing me flowers Dave. You never forgot and always made me feel appreciated, not just on Mpther's Day but most every day. It's never going to be the same in my life without you but I do feel more capable lately of pushing through. It's lonely but I see a glimmer of life ahead. Not the life of my choosing but who knows what may come? I did;t know you were there for me until one bleak night and magically you entered my life. Our kids are precious gifts, thank you for that. You should see our grand kids, amazing souls. They are filled with light, love, hope and dreams May it always be so. I may sell the house soon. I may move closer to the ocean. I'll be nearer the kids and nearer my happy place. This home has been our happy place and I am comfortable in it. That being said everyone else feels I should sell. It's too big, it's too much, etc. etc. but its mine (ours). If I find a place I will make a quick decision and move forward. I had hoped the kids would want it as an investment, a sanctuary. This place is special and will be worth more again in time. I know it is more than dollars and sense but it was a labor of love for both of us for many years, our dream home. Dreams change and people move on. Anyway, I wanted to just check in and say hi, thinking of you today as always. Love you forever and thank you for always having my back and loving me, unconditionally. Your encouragement and reassurance is what I miss the most. That and your hugs and your holding my hand.

March and there is madness

Still trying here. Swimming as many days as my leg lets me. Trying to get out and plan something every day. Traveling when I am able. I am better when I am busy but it's hard. The nights are still desperately lonely. I read, watch TV, listen to music. Ah the music, the story and history of our days together. Thinking I won't list the house this spring but I really do have to move and down size. I thought the Cape was the answer but that might not make sense, not sure now. I love the ocean but want to be close to the kids. E wants that, K doesn't think that's a good idea. Not sure why, I have always wanted to be the gm to help. I thought I was but now not so sure it is welcome. KE is far away, not an option for me, R is in N so that doesn't make sense. I sit and try to figure it out but it always comes back to just me, alone, trying to forge ahead. Friends say I am doing well. It doesn't feel it. Lots and lots of loss lately. I could go seek out other kids to help but it is so sad to me that I have to do that, never thought I would be thinking along these lines. Dave told me to stay close and be a support to K, she'd need it, but that is not what she is saying at all. So if that door is not open I'll just have to understand that life as he knew it has changed. I'll be fine I know. I am a survivor, just have to recreate myself somehow. Praying on it each and every day. Dave, it'll be two years at the end of the month. I miss your arms around me and your loving encouragement and support. I love you x

Happy New Year 2017

Well, it's New Year's Eve. First one for me alone. I am missing Dave but carrying on. Had a wonderful week with everyone over Christmas. 16 of us under the Eaton Lane roof. Dave would have loved it! I did. Craziness, chaos and fun. I am thankful for the times when we gather, it make my life worth living. I had a quiet dinner and a relaxing day, straightening up and cleaning. Made a few lists that I will tackle tomorrow. Now I am off to bed and hope to dream of Dave and our life together. So very grateful for the years we had and the beautiful moments we shared. 2017 will be here soon enough and who knows what adventures it will bring? Life is for the living and I continue to try and figure out what that means for me. I'm praying for peace, comfort and health for my loved ones and hope good things are just around the corner for us all.

still trying and some times are harder than others

Even though I understand it all, sometimes I am not sure how this happened and why you had to leave. I understand it, it's what we all prayed for because you were suffering and it was not the kind of life you could lead. You tried, you tried hard to sustain yourself. I get it. I am just so sad and lonely without you. I keep busy, I really do. Everyone thinks I am doing great. I know others have lost people. I have felt loss before as well. This is different. There is no one to hold my hand, to talk with, to confide in, to complain to, to dream with, no one. I wish I could hold you, and you me. You said you didn't want to leave me and I told you I would be okay. I am trying. I was so very lucky to have had you in my life for so long. Now I am lost, especially at night. Nights are the hardest part. I'll love you, forever.

It's not great but getting better.

So epiphanies come when you least expect them, that's why they are epiphanies right? I am settling in and taking a deep breath. The house will sell when it does and I will make a move when I do but how lucky am I to have this wonderful home to live my life in this glorious area.Autumn in the Berkshires, trips to the Cape and visits with friends. No ocean yet but amazing family and friends and a pretty gorgeous home that Dave fixed up for me. Now to keep it up and glowing.