BBQ, roast chicken and hot dogs

It's funny what can trigger something and set me on a spiral of sadness. I can be working hard all day just trying to keep up and stay strong and then I see a commercial for family picnics. The husbands and wives getting together on the weekend to roast chicken on the grill and my thoughts go to Dave and how much he loved to grill, LOVED roast chicken and loved me. I feel selfish saying this but boy do I miss him. I miss his touch, his hug, him just gently rubbing my backhand sitting next to me.  I miss holding him. I am so lonely some days, mostly at night. I have friends, wonderful family and caring people who check in with me but at the beginning and end of each day I am alone. It is not an easy place to be. I do read and watch tv and do my "chores" and truly I am comfortable in my own skin but I just miss him so much. I try and keep busy and lord knows this house and the grounds keep me very much on my toes but when I stop there is no one to sit with, share with, complain to or be thankful that the day is done (with) and he was always so good at listening. I could always run things by him and I would get gentle encouragement or advice. We had 43 years of sharing, caring and loving and yes, even arguing that has left a lasting impression in me,  now a void. I know I have to give myself time. People say it can take years to become the new me. What happens when you really liked the old me?  I am trying and I will be ok but I really want a do over. Nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome. He was a man who made his own medical decisions and made me promise never to look back but I regret not arguing with him me to do certain things for himself. My greatest sadness is that he is missing out on our retirement years together, not seeing our grand kiddos grow and not being able to be there for our daughters and families. We often talked a lot about them and how to advise, now without him, I am alone in my thoughts and few ask me for that same advice. It is  interesting as I was always the one who suggested we help them, plan a trip, coulee, etc.  but very often he was the one who would deliver the help and advice.
The years ahead, the ones we had panned and dreamed about are now empty. Truth is, he truly always had my back, loved me and listened and cared about me first and foremost and I will forever miss that very special love. I was lucky.Now I have to figure out how to move forward. It was my last promise to him.