and its Mother's Day

I am so lucky. I have memories of years and years of you bringing me flowers Dave. You never forgot and always made me feel appreciated, not just on Mpther's Day but most every day. It's never going to be the same in my life without you but I do feel more capable lately of pushing through. It's lonely but I see a glimmer of life ahead. Not the life of my choosing but who knows what may come? I did;t know you were there for me until one bleak night and magically you entered my life. Our kids are precious gifts, thank you for that. You should see our grand kids, amazing souls. They are filled with light, love, hope and dreams May it always be so. I may sell the house soon. I may move closer to the ocean. I'll be nearer the kids and nearer my happy place. This home has been our happy place and I am comfortable in it. That being said everyone else feels I should sell. It's too big, it's too much, etc. etc. but its mine (ours). If I find a place I will make a quick decision and move forward. I had hoped the kids would want it as an investment, a sanctuary. This place is special and will be worth more again in time. I know it is more than dollars and sense but it was a labor of love for both of us for many years, our dream home. Dreams change and people move on. Anyway, I wanted to just check in and say hi, thinking of you today as always. Love you forever and thank you for always having my back and loving me, unconditionally. Your encouragement and reassurance is what I miss the most. That and your hugs and your holding my hand.

March and there is madness

Still trying here. Swimming as many days as my leg lets me. Trying to get out and plan something every day. Traveling when I am able. I am better when I am busy but it's hard. The nights are still desperately lonely. I read, watch TV, listen to music. Ah the music, the story and history of our days together. Thinking I won't list the house this spring but I really do have to move and down size. I thought the Cape was the answer but that might not make sense, not sure now. I love the ocean but want to be close to the kids. E wants that, K doesn't think that's a good idea. Not sure why, I have always wanted to be the gm to help. I thought I was but now not so sure it is welcome. KE is far away, not an option for me, R is in N so that doesn't make sense. I sit and try to figure it out but it always comes back to just me, alone, trying to forge ahead. Friends say I am doing well. It doesn't feel it. Lots and lots of loss lately. I could go seek out other kids to help but it is so sad to me that I have to do that, never thought I would be thinking along these lines. Dave told me to stay close and be a support to K, she'd need it, but that is not what she is saying at all. So if that door is not open I'll just have to understand that life as he knew it has changed. I'll be fine I know. I am a survivor, just have to recreate myself somehow. Praying on it each and every day. Dave, it'll be two years at the end of the month. I miss your arms around me and your loving encouragement and support. I love you x