and its Mother's Day

I am so lucky. I have memories of years and years of you bringing me flowers Dave. You never forgot and always made me feel appreciated, not just on Mpther's Day but most every day. It's never going to be the same in my life without you but I do feel more capable lately of pushing through. It's lonely but I see a glimmer of life ahead. Not the life of my choosing but who knows what may come? I did;t know you were there for me until one bleak night and magically you entered my life. Our kids are precious gifts, thank you for that. You should see our grand kids, amazing souls. They are filled with light, love, hope and dreams May it always be so. I may sell the house soon. I may move closer to the ocean. I'll be nearer the kids and nearer my happy place. This home has been our happy place and I am comfortable in it. That being said everyone else feels I should sell. It's too big, it's too much, etc. etc. but its mine (ours). If I find a place I will make a quick decision and move forward. I had hoped the kids would want it as an investment, a sanctuary. This place is special and will be worth more again in time. I know it is more than dollars and sense but it was a labor of love for both of us for many years, our dream home. Dreams change and people move on. Anyway, I wanted to just check in and say hi, thinking of you today as always. Love you forever and thank you for always having my back and loving me, unconditionally. Your encouragement and reassurance is what I miss the most. That and your hugs and your holding my hand.

March and there is madness

Still trying here. Swimming as many days as my leg lets me. Trying to get out and plan something every day. Traveling when I am able. I am better when I am busy but it's hard. The nights are still desperately lonely. I read, watch TV, listen to music. Ah the music, the story and history of our days together. Thinking I won't list the house this spring but I really do have to move and down size. I thought the Cape was the answer but that might not make sense, not sure now. I love the ocean but want to be close to the kids. E wants that, K doesn't think that's a good idea. Not sure why, I have always wanted to be the gm to help. I thought I was but now not so sure it is welcome. KE is far away, not an option for me, R is in N so that doesn't make sense. I sit and try to figure it out but it always comes back to just me, alone, trying to forge ahead. Friends say I am doing well. It doesn't feel it. Lots and lots of loss lately. I could go seek out other kids to help but it is so sad to me that I have to do that, never thought I would be thinking along these lines. Dave told me to stay close and be a support to K, she'd need it, but that is not what she is saying at all. So if that door is not open I'll just have to understand that life as he knew it has changed. I'll be fine I know. I am a survivor, just have to recreate myself somehow. Praying on it each and every day. Dave, it'll be two years at the end of the month. I miss your arms around me and your loving encouragement and support. I love you x

Happy New Year 2017

Well, it's New Year's Eve. First one for me alone. I am missing Dave but carrying on. Had a wonderful week with everyone over Christmas. 16 of us under the Eaton Lane roof. Dave would have loved it! I did. Craziness, chaos and fun. I am thankful for the times when we gather, it make my life worth living. I had a quiet dinner and a relaxing day, straightening up and cleaning. Made a few lists that I will tackle tomorrow. Now I am off to bed and hope to dream of Dave and our life together. So very grateful for the years we had and the beautiful moments we shared. 2017 will be here soon enough and who knows what adventures it will bring? Life is for the living and I continue to try and figure out what that means for me. I'm praying for peace, comfort and health for my loved ones and hope good things are just around the corner for us all.

still trying and some times are harder than others

Even though I understand it all, sometimes I am not sure how this happened and why you had to leave. I understand it, it's what we all prayed for because you were suffering and it was not the kind of life you could lead. You tried, you tried hard to sustain yourself. I get it. I am just so sad and lonely without you. I keep busy, I really do. Everyone thinks I am doing great. I know others have lost people. I have felt loss before as well. This is different. There is no one to hold my hand, to talk with, to confide in, to complain to, to dream with, no one. I wish I could hold you, and you me. You said you didn't want to leave me and I told you I would be okay. I am trying. I was so very lucky to have had you in my life for so long. Now I am lost, especially at night. Nights are the hardest part. I'll love you, forever.

It's not great but getting better.

So epiphanies come when you least expect them, that's why they are epiphanies right? I am settling in and taking a deep breath. The house will sell when it does and I will make a move when I do but how lucky am I to have this wonderful home to live my life in this glorious area.Autumn in the Berkshires, trips to the Cape and visits with friends. No ocean yet but amazing family and friends and a pretty gorgeous home that Dave fixed up for me. Now to keep it up and glowing.

a retrospective a year and almost a half later

What amazes me the most is how people really don't get what this is. Some do occasionally grasp the loss but many say things like "Oh I know, I lost my mom, my sister, my cousin, my dog". The loss for my girls and their mates was significantly felt I know. More so than most as Dave had a special impact of his family. Loss is definitely loss but when your heart mate/soul mate leaves this world you are left with the void, th loss and without your constant "other voice and companion". If you have had a great marriage, and I did, we did, we had disagreements but never, ever a moment when we knew we weren't in it for the long haul. Ok, maybe a minute but the point is , we were in it, a commitment and loyalty. We had each other's backs and we there for each other every step of the way. Encouragement, chastisement, advice, laughs, hugs, kisses, intimacy and more. The connection on the spiritual level was profound. I always thought everyone had that, I realize now that this is not the case. People bitch about their partners and continue on in constant struggle and turmoil. Why? Life is just so short. Dave I miss you eery day in every way. I am going along and moving forward a bit easier these days. It will never be better, only a bit gentler until that time of day, that moment when I want to hug you, touch your hand and lay gently next to you in bed, just knowing tomorrow will be another day and you will be by my side. I'm grateful for the time we had. The wonderful children, grandchildren, friends and memories that was our life together. Now I am alone. I hold those memories in my heart and mind. Missing you , Sandy and Felix everyday in so many little ways. Thank you for your love and loyalty and friendship. <3

Wonderful vacation, time of my life...

Have you ever gone on a wonderful vacation and had the best time you have ever had in your life? Sure, maybe you had a rainy day here or there but that gave you time to pause, regroup and be thankful. However, when you stopped to reassess the time, a truly great vacation was enjoyed. I've come to realize that my 40 plus years with Dave was just that, a blessed gift of a vacation. Wonderful memories, photos along the way and a very safe harbor to enjoy my days. My kids,grandkids, special photos, wonderful meals and special places all have a glowing space in my heart and mind. I was lucky. I was happy, I was safe and I was completely loved. Now, to carry on. Soon we will gather for our family vacation once again. Dave, you will be with us in our minds and hearts but you will still be sorely missed. We will create new memories while treasuring the ones we had with you. I will keep my promise to you, to do the small things you asked me to do and because of that, keep you alive with us. I love you my soul mate and always will, until we meet again.