BBQ, roast chicken and hot dogs

It's funny what can trigger something and set me on a spiral of sadness. I can be working hard all day just trying to keep up and stay strong and then I see a commercial for family picnics. The husbands and wives getting together on the weekend to roast chicken on the grill and my thoughts go to Dave and how much he loved to grill, LOVED roast chicken and loved me. I feel selfish saying this but boy do I miss him. I miss his touch, his hug, him just gently rubbing my backhand sitting next to me.  I miss holding him. I am so lonely some days, mostly at night. I have friends, wonderful family and caring people who check in with me but at the beginning and end of each day I am alone. It is not an easy place to be. I do read and watch tv and do my "chores" and truly I am comfortable in my own skin but I just miss him so much. I try and keep busy and lord knows this house and the grounds keep me very much on my toes but when I stop there is no one to sit with, share with, complain to or be thankful that the day is done (with) and he was always so good at listening. I could always run things by him and I would get gentle encouragement or advice. We had 43 years of sharing, caring and loving and yes, even arguing that has left a lasting impression in me,  now a void. I know I have to give myself time. People say it can take years to become the new me. What happens when you really liked the old me?  I am trying and I will be ok but I really want a do over. Nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome. He was a man who made his own medical decisions and made me promise never to look back but I regret not arguing with him me to do certain things for himself. My greatest sadness is that he is missing out on our retirement years together, not seeing our grand kiddos grow and not being able to be there for our daughters and families. We often talked a lot about them and how to advise, now without him, I am alone in my thoughts and few ask me for that same advice. It is  interesting as I was always the one who suggested we help them, plan a trip, coulee, etc.  but very often he was the one who would deliver the help and advice.
The years ahead, the ones we had panned and dreamed about are now empty. Truth is, he truly always had my back, loved me and listened and cared about me first and foremost and I will forever miss that very special love. I was lucky.Now I have to figure out how to move forward. It was my last promise to him.

Spring 2016 and moving on

Sunday, March 20th, just returned from a great visit in NYC. Stayed with Rachel and Dustin. So very nice to see them and explore and go to Rachel's shows. Met Em and saw some old friends of Rachel's and mine. Good to be home after a NYC visit and the one before that to visit Dee in Naples. My leg is still working against me, trying to do rehab and PT but it's been 10 months now and still not great. It's better but holding me back. I am feeling a bit renewed and strengthened or at least walking the walk though after seeing kids and friends.
I fluctuate between waiting to sell and knowing I do not need to and wanting to stay but everyone tells me to do it. So, as I look ahead and that is my plan. A good friend said recently when I find the "new, great place" I will be excited to go forward with my new life's chapter. Looking at beach communities, they always make me happy. No matter where I go, it will be just me without Dave. I get that very clearly now. I will carry him with me, in my heart and on my heart, thank you tatoo. :)
I know how blessed to have had such an amazing love story in my history for 43 years. I will always miss and love him but I need to move on. I know that is what he wanted for me. Some days I do it with grace, some days I struggle. Everyday I pray for strength, patience and insight to do the right thing for me and for my family.
I was invited to Cincy for Easter with the kids and Nat and Mike, very kind of them. I had already promised to go to Reading. So I am off to Easter next weekend with Kate, Tom and crew along with Em *& Dan. After that I am back to continue on clearing out and planning ahead. I am lucky to have choices. God has a plan for me and I hope I can be patient.
On the 30th Dave will be gone one year. I have struggled with this and am not sure I want to commemorate the day of his passing. I would rather celebrate his birthday and all the joy he brought in to so many lives. Gathering with the guys this week before Easter. Many people still feeling his loss. Love and miss you Dave, my soul mate, my love and my life.

come on spring.

February 22nd, just a month or so later since my last post. First Valentine's Day without you here, the boys; Tom, PJ and Dan were so thoughtful and brought me red roses as you always did.  It touched my heart and made the week a little less painful. Kate and family spent the day and overnight with me. Once again I am so thankful for her and all of our children, they do lift me up. I try to lift them as well but not sure if I am helping lately.  Feb. 18th came and went, I drank out of our gold wedding goblets, 42 years and I still love you so much.

In between these poignant anniversaries, Sandy B passed. You probably know this now but I have to say, it just broke my heart. 44 years of friendship and I miss her every day. As I walk around the house I see her touches and gifts from over 4 decades of friendship. The family all gathered and that helped but I am praying for Joe, he is devastated.  Phew. Life is precious but this part sucks.

I am gearing up to relist our house. I'm committed to follow your plan and sell the house. Looking ahead to a condo by the beach, somewhere close to kids and the ocean. I hope you will be with me and help with my decisions.

I am praying we all stay strong and join together as a family. It has always been our/my strength. Just having the girls together over the funeral weekend I felt our families power. I will continue to do what I have done and hold it together. I know it meant everything to you , to both of us.

9 and almost a half months

But who's counting really? The holidays came and went and if it wasn't for my family a difficult time would have been so much harder. Rachel came and stayed for a week. She was my sleepover buddy and that was so comforting to me. We had fun and I felt less alone for that time. Em and Dan arrived and then Barry and though Dan had to work, Rachel, Em and Barry and I got through Christmas Eve. It was not easy but so glad to have them with me. Kate, Tom and crew arrived Christmas Day and filled up our house with joy and more life than it had seen in a while. Thankful for all of that craziness. Keely and PJ were at home in Chicago with the kiddos and I was grateful for that as it was their first holiday at home. The festivities were not as festive without the little ones to share in the cousins joy but again, I was grateful.

The Hallmark channel and the simple messages of love took up a lot of the lonely nights. I laugh as I had never watched these shows before but they became a great source of comfort on the nights when I sat missing you Dave.I just didn't realize how profound the loss would be.  Your life goes from full, busy, involved and constantly with your love to quiet and alone.  Especially Sundays, always our most favorite day of the week. After we sold our restaurant we held Sundays as sacred. We drank coffee, read the paper and relaxed together. Small projects got done but we were always there in the house, around the house together. Now I make lists, accomplish them and am alone. I have a few great friends who lift me up, a few good invites a week but at the end of the day I come home alone and start out the day alone. I am comfortable in my own skin most days, I just deeply and profoundly miss you Dave. You alone, loved me unconditionally, you hugged me, touched my neck, my hand, my heart. You encouraged, reasoned, argued and listened.

I moved your picture from next to the recliner to the tv speaker. Now instead of over my shoulder you are there when I want to look at it. Sounds silly, as I have several of your pictures in the room but it was significant for me.

I still sleep on the right side of the bed, after 43 years what else can I do. The left side is still your side, I try inching over but its a phantom space that will always belong to you I think.

I started swimming. It's been good. Cranwell gives me a bright spot in my day to look forward to and I am grateful. Exercising and losing weight a bit at a time. First time in 37 years that I can think of myself and take time. The kids, work 7 days a week and my mom took time and I don't regret any of it, except the last few months of your life which still breaks my heart when I allow myself to go back to that time. Again, I don't regret any of it, just miss you deeply. I am so thankful that through the years, even when times were tough we paid our bills and worked hard for our financial future. The money doesn't replace you at all and I would go back in a heart beat to the days or you and me together but it helps me to live a gentler life. I made quite a few donations in your name this year. The kids all keep you alive in their stories, pictures and heart. You are missed because you were a respected, loved, talented and honorable man. That's your legacy and it is a great one.

My knee is slowly healing. After 9 mos of craziness, misdiagnosis, working it too hard, testing and too many doctor visits,  I feel I am on the road to healing. Trying to avoid a surgery that will only lead to more surgery.  I am off to swim soon and then meet Pat for lunch. Funny how two horribly sad happenings have brought us in to the club that no one wants to belong to, the widow's club. We laugh and joke,  she gets me and I get her. We cry but the time spent together is filled with more fun than of sadness these days.  I am grateful to be alive and will try to keep going forward and create my new life. I know you would not want it any other way, you said as much. Miss you my sweetheart, always. x

7 months and 7 days

7 months, how is that possible.? Most days I can not figure out the exact day of the week but I always know when the 30th rolls around. I think I always will. For some reason Sundays are very hard. I think it was always the day we looked forward to the most. Our time together to do nothing other than what we needed or wanted to do. I try to remember and live in the good memories of all the years we had and not in the last couple months but I struggle.  I still realize fully how lucky I am to have such great kids and friends. Not a day goes by when someone isn't reaching out via text, email or a phone call. The invites come but still, it doesn't fill the emptiness in my soul. I try to block it out these days. The loneliness is not a place where I can dwell. I know you did not want that for me at all. I promised you I would stay strong and positive. I am trying.  I read more, watch movies, go out, run errands, keep up the house and try to do for others. I find that helps give me a purpose and fills my days. Dave, you'd laugh, you who knew me so well. I never went to the doctors other than the usual physicals or mammograms and preventive tests. Ah, the preventive tests. How many preventive tests are we doing today? Enough that we could be at the doctors, once a month, preventatively. I injured myself in May, 6 plus months ago. I have been to my primary more often than I care to say, PT for 2 straight months, an orthopedist, a vascular surgeon. I've had xrays, ultrasounds and now tonight in a bit I go for my first MRI. I'm ok and will be fine I am sure but it's ironic. Maybe my leg is dying of a broken heart. I spent the better part of my adult life caring for others, being their advocate. My sister, my mom and then of course you Dave. It was my privilege to do it but I sure do wish I had a me by my side. The reality is I am alone. I am comfortable in my own skin and a brave enough soul but once again, it's just lonely. You aren't here to listen Dave. I talk aloud, touch my heart and look at your pictures but I am alone. I find I can speak to the girls but really, what is there to say? They miss you so much. Everyone does.  I feel as though it is constant complaining when I voice it outside of our home. It never felt that way with you. I listened to you and you to me. I'll find a way to carry on. I am actually. Every day I get up, get dressed, go out and take steps forward. Every night, no matter what I do, I come home alone. I know I have come a long way these past several months. When I look back I see what I have accomplished. I have a tattoo now! Your signature with a musical note and it's over my heart! It actually makes me very happy. I touch it and feel close to you, as close as I am able now. I do know you have been around lately through your music and your little messages we all feel your presence. Hey, we were lucky to love you and have you in our lives for so very long. As I've said many times before, when its good it's never long enough.

I was 8 when my dad passed

and so in many ways it was a vacant holiday for me. Until 1973 when I shared Father's Day with Dave and his dad for the very first time.  Not only did I treasure my soon to be father in law but Dave was my new and long awaited protector, lover, my everything. I think I finally understood what a father figure was when he stepped in to care for me and support me emotionally.  He never said no, don't try this, or maybe you shouldn't  do that. It was always left  up to me to explore, reach out, extend myself, whether in business, friendships, the community. He was my greatest supporter and always there to encourage me along the way.

For 42+ years we celebrated Father's Day traditions. We had our cat, then our cats, then our dogs, then our kids.

One of my daughters called today to say happy father's day. A mom now, she realized as a mom what I had done over the years to facilitate all those celebrations for her dad when everyone was little. I thanked her and said I enjoyed and gave it considerable thought for many years.  It certainly is not a holiday about me but it definitely became a family holiday because of me.

No one deserved it more than my husband. He brought the joy, balance and steadiness to my/our lives.  A strong and compassionate and quiet man, he listened and allowed  people to vent, discuss, explore and try new things.  I find that on most days I push through knowing that is what he wanted me to do. Do not be bitter he said. Promise to stay strong and carry on. I am trying Dave. Honestly, I am doing ok but on quite a few days lately and many a night it is just so damn lonely and sad. I prayed for God to take you as I couldn't bear to see you struggle any longer. You wanted dignity and grace and you were a champion through to the end. So for your peace I am grateful.

 Last night I was reading the handmade cards he would create for me and I for him. I was filled with sweet memories of holidays gone by and my eyes filled with tears of joy, thanks and memories that I try to grasp and hold onto.  It ended in a flood of grief stricken tears. Overwhelmed in the knowledge that once again he was gone from my life forever.

I struggle for my part on this journey, I'm at a loss right now. I miss you Dave,  your smile and your hugs and your gentle hands to hold. Your advice, your perspective and your balance, that's it, I am out of balance and trying to find my way. I have friends, I have our family,  all so supportive but
in the end, it's me alone with the memory of you by my side.

Happy Father's Day my love, thank you for everything along the way.

September remember September

Not sure how this happened but it is Sept. 3rd already. The summer zipped by faster than any previous ones. I do hope we get a slow and steady autumn but its doubtful. Seems as though each weekend is full already and then the holidays come at us full speed. Visiting with kiddos, ordering product for the season, doctors visits, keeping up with the daily, all the  while trying to take moments to just be. Praying each and every morning and night that we have many more moments to come. Our kids are healthy, my grand kids are healthy and we have a new one on the way!! Life is good and Stølåt will continue to be my daily mantra. May it be so for a long, long time.