Happy New Year 2017

Well, it's New Year's Eve. First one for me alone. I am missing Dave but carrying on. Had a wonderful week with everyone over Christmas. 16 of us under the Eaton Lane roof. Dave would have loved it! I did. Craziness, chaos and fun. I am thankful for the times when we gather, it make my life worth living. I had a quiet dinner and a relaxing day, straightening up and cleaning. Made a few lists that I will tackle tomorrow. Now I am off to bed and hope to dream of Dave and our life together. So very grateful for the years we had and the beautiful moments we shared. 2017 will be here soon enough and who knows what adventures it will bring? Life is for the living and I continue to try and figure out what that means for me. I'm praying for peace, comfort and health for my loved ones and hope good things are just around the corner for us all.

still trying and some times are harder than others

Even though I understand it all, sometimes I am not sure how this happened and why you had to leave. I understand it, it's what we all prayed for because you were suffering and it was not the kind of life you could lead. You tried, you tried hard to sustain yourself. I get it. I am just so sad and lonely without you. I keep busy, I really do. Everyone thinks I am doing great. I know others have lost people. I have felt loss before as well. This is different. There is no one to hold my hand, to talk with, to confide in, to complain to, to dream with, no one. I wish I could hold you, and you me. You said you didn't want to leave me and I told you I would be okay. I am trying. I was so very lucky to have had you in my life for so long. Now I am lost, especially at night. Nights are the hardest part. I'll love you, forever.

It's not great but getting better.

So epiphanies come when you least expect them, that's why they are epiphanies right? I am settling in and taking a deep breath. The house will sell when it does and I will make a move when I do but how lucky am I to have this wonderful home to live my life in this glorious area.Autumn in the Berkshires, trips to the Cape and visits with friends. No ocean yet but amazing family and friends and a pretty gorgeous home that Dave fixed up for me. Now to keep it up and glowing.

a retrospective a year and almost a half later

What amazes me the most is how people really don't get what this is. Some do occasionally grasp the loss but many say things like "Oh I know, I lost my mom, my sister, my cousin, my dog". The loss for my girls and their mates was significantly felt I know. More so than most as Dave had a special impact of his family. Loss is definitely loss but when your heart mate/soul mate leaves this world you are left with the void, th loss and without your constant "other voice and companion". If you have had a great marriage, and I did, we did, we had disagreements but never, ever a moment when we knew we weren't in it for the long haul. Ok, maybe a minute but the point is , we were in it, a commitment and loyalty. We had each other's backs and we there for each other every step of the way. Encouragement, chastisement, advice, laughs, hugs, kisses, intimacy and more. The connection on the spiritual level was profound. I always thought everyone had that, I realize now that this is not the case. People bitch about their partners and continue on in constant struggle and turmoil. Why? Life is just so short. Dave I miss you eery day in every way. I am going along and moving forward a bit easier these days. It will never be better, only a bit gentler until that time of day, that moment when I want to hug you, touch your hand and lay gently next to you in bed, just knowing tomorrow will be another day and you will be by my side. I'm grateful for the time we had. The wonderful children, grandchildren, friends and memories that was our life together. Now I am alone. I hold those memories in my heart and mind. Missing you , Sandy and Felix everyday in so many little ways. Thank you for your love and loyalty and friendship. <3

Wonderful vacation, time of my life...

Have you ever gone on a wonderful vacation and had the best time you have ever had in your life? Sure, maybe you had a rainy day here or there but that gave you time to pause, regroup and be thankful. However, when you stopped to reassess the time, a truly great vacation was enjoyed. I've come to realize that my 40 plus years with Dave was just that, a blessed gift of a vacation. Wonderful memories, photos along the way and a very safe harbor to enjoy my days. My kids,grandkids, special photos, wonderful meals and special places all have a glowing space in my heart and mind. I was lucky. I was happy, I was safe and I was completely loved. Now, to carry on. Soon we will gather for our family vacation once again. Dave, you will be with us in our minds and hearts but you will still be sorely missed. We will create new memories while treasuring the ones we had with you. I will keep my promise to you, to do the small things you asked me to do and because of that, keep you alive with us. I love you my soul mate and always will, until we meet again.

BBQ, roast chicken and hot dogs

It's funny what can trigger something and set me on a spiral of sadness. I can be working hard all day just trying to keep up and stay strong and then I see a commercial for family picnics. The husbands and wives getting together on the weekend to roast chicken on the grill and my thoughts go to Dave and how much he loved to grill, LOVED roast chicken and loved me. I feel selfish saying this but boy do I miss him. I miss his touch, his hug, him just gently rubbing my backhand sitting next to me.  I miss holding him. I am so lonely some days, mostly at night. I have friends, wonderful family and caring people who check in with me but at the beginning and end of each day I am alone. It is not an easy place to be. I do read and watch tv and do my "chores" and truly I am comfortable in my own skin but I just miss him so much. I try and keep busy and lord knows this house and the grounds keep me very much on my toes but when I stop there is no one to sit with, share with, complain to or be thankful that the day is done (with) and he was always so good at listening. I could always run things by him and I would get gentle encouragement or advice. We had 43 years of sharing, caring and loving and yes, even arguing that has left a lasting impression in me,  now a void. I know I have to give myself time. People say it can take years to become the new me. What happens when you really liked the old me?  I am trying and I will be ok but I really want a do over. Nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome. He was a man who made his own medical decisions and made me promise never to look back but I regret not arguing with him me to do certain things for himself. My greatest sadness is that he is missing out on our retirement years together, not seeing our grand kiddos grow and not being able to be there for our daughters and families. We often talked a lot about them and how to advise, now without him, I am alone in my thoughts and few ask me for that same advice. It is  interesting as I was always the one who suggested we help them, plan a trip, coulee, etc.  but very often he was the one who would deliver the help and advice.
The years ahead, the ones we had panned and dreamed about are now empty. Truth is, he truly always had my back, loved me and listened and cared about me first and foremost and I will forever miss that very special love. I was lucky.Now I have to figure out how to move forward. It was my last promise to him.

Spring 2016 and moving on

Sunday, March 20th, just returned from a great visit in NYC. Stayed with Rachel and Dustin. So very nice to see them and explore and go to Rachel's shows. Met Em and saw some old friends of Rachel's and mine. Good to be home after a NYC visit and the one before that to visit Dee in Naples. My leg is still working against me, trying to do rehab and PT but it's been 10 months now and still not great. It's better but holding me back. I am feeling a bit renewed and strengthened or at least walking the walk though after seeing kids and friends.
I fluctuate between waiting to sell and knowing I do not need to and wanting to stay but everyone tells me to do it. So, as I look ahead and that is my plan. A good friend said recently when I find the "new, great place" I will be excited to go forward with my new life's chapter. Looking at beach communities, they always make me happy. No matter where I go, it will be just me without Dave. I get that very clearly now. I will carry him with me, in my heart and on my heart, thank you tatoo. :)
I know how blessed to have had such an amazing love story in my history for 43 years. I will always miss and love him but I need to move on. I know that is what he wanted for me. Some days I do it with grace, some days I struggle. Everyday I pray for strength, patience and insight to do the right thing for me and for my family.
I was invited to Cincy for Easter with the kids and Nat and Mike, very kind of them. I had already promised to go to Reading. So I am off to Easter next weekend with Kate, Tom and crew along with Em *& Dan. After that I am back to continue on clearing out and planning ahead. I am lucky to have choices. God has a plan for me and I hope I can be patient.
On the 30th Dave will be gone one year. I have struggled with this and am not sure I want to commemorate the day of his passing. I would rather celebrate his birthday and all the joy he brought in to so many lives. Gathering with the guys this week before Easter. Many people still feeling his loss. Love and miss you Dave, my soul mate, my love and my life.

come on spring.

February 22nd, just a month or so later since my last post. First Valentine's Day without you here, the boys; Tom, PJ and Dan were so thoughtful and brought me red roses as you always did.  It touched my heart and made the week a little less painful. Kate and family spent the day and overnight with me. Once again I am so thankful for her and all of our children, they do lift me up. I try to lift them as well but not sure if I am helping lately.  Feb. 18th came and went, I drank out of our gold wedding goblets, 42 years and I still love you so much.

In between these poignant anniversaries, Sandy B passed. You probably know this now but I have to say, it just broke my heart. 44 years of friendship and I miss her every day. As I walk around the house I see her touches and gifts from over 4 decades of friendship. The family all gathered and that helped but I am praying for Joe, he is devastated.  Phew. Life is precious but this part sucks.

I am gearing up to relist our house. I'm committed to follow your plan and sell the house. Looking ahead to a condo by the beach, somewhere close to kids and the ocean. I hope you will be with me and help with my decisions.

I am praying we all stay strong and join together as a family. It has always been our/my strength. Just having the girls together over the funeral weekend I felt our families power. I will continue to do what I have done and hold it together. I know it meant everything to you , to both of us.

9 and almost a half months

But who's counting really? The holidays came and went and if it wasn't for my family a difficult time would have been so much harder. Rachel came and stayed for a week. She was my sleepover buddy and that was so comforting to me. We had fun and I felt less alone for that time. Em and Dan arrived and then Barry and though Dan had to work, Rachel, Em and Barry and I got through Christmas Eve. It was not easy but so glad to have them with me. Kate, Tom and crew arrived Christmas Day and filled up our house with joy and more life than it had seen in a while. Thankful for all of that craziness. Keely and PJ were at home in Chicago with the kiddos and I was grateful for that as it was their first holiday at home. The festivities were not as festive without the little ones to share in the cousins joy but again, I was grateful.

The Hallmark channel and the simple messages of love took up a lot of the lonely nights. I laugh as I had never watched these shows before but they became a great source of comfort on the nights when I sat missing you Dave.I just didn't realize how profound the loss would be.  Your life goes from full, busy, involved and constantly with your love to quiet and alone.  Especially Sundays, always our most favorite day of the week. After we sold our restaurant we held Sundays as sacred. We drank coffee, read the paper and relaxed together. Small projects got done but we were always there in the house, around the house together. Now I make lists, accomplish them and am alone. I have a few great friends who lift me up, a few good invites a week but at the end of the day I come home alone and start out the day alone. I am comfortable in my own skin most days, I just deeply and profoundly miss you Dave. You alone, loved me unconditionally, you hugged me, touched my neck, my hand, my heart. You encouraged, reasoned, argued and listened.

I moved your picture from next to the recliner to the tv speaker. Now instead of over my shoulder you are there when I want to look at it. Sounds silly, as I have several of your pictures in the room but it was significant for me.

I still sleep on the right side of the bed, after 43 years what else can I do. The left side is still your side, I try inching over but its a phantom space that will always belong to you I think.

I started swimming. It's been good. Cranwell gives me a bright spot in my day to look forward to and I am grateful. Exercising and losing weight a bit at a time. First time in 37 years that I can think of myself and take time. The kids, work 7 days a week and my mom took time and I don't regret any of it, except the last few months of your life which still breaks my heart when I allow myself to go back to that time. Again, I don't regret any of it, just miss you deeply. I am so thankful that through the years, even when times were tough we paid our bills and worked hard for our financial future. The money doesn't replace you at all and I would go back in a heart beat to the days or you and me together but it helps me to live a gentler life. I made quite a few donations in your name this year. The kids all keep you alive in their stories, pictures and heart. You are missed because you were a respected, loved, talented and honorable man. That's your legacy and it is a great one.

My knee is slowly healing. After 9 mos of craziness, misdiagnosis, working it too hard, testing and too many doctor visits,  I feel I am on the road to healing. Trying to avoid a surgery that will only lead to more surgery.  I am off to swim soon and then meet Pat for lunch. Funny how two horribly sad happenings have brought us in to the club that no one wants to belong to, the widow's club. We laugh and joke,  she gets me and I get her. We cry but the time spent together is filled with more fun than of sadness these days.  I am grateful to be alive and will try to keep going forward and create my new life. I know you would not want it any other way, you said as much. Miss you my sweetheart, always. x