September

and life goes on. Summer flew by. House prep, care taking of the house, pool, gardens etc. Vacation, then more house prep and thoughts of selling. I didn't list. Decided to wait but search for my next forever home by the water. K & T were helpful and encouraging. THEN I was approached by a broker. He had clients who wanted to see my house. They LOVED it. They made an offer, Can I be out by Oct.19th? Yes I can. Can I? Where will I go? The search and anguish began. I looked and hoped and found and then lost and decided I could stay anywhere for a short while. Then all of a sudden a dear friend offered me her apartment in her house. Could I come see it? I went fell in love and was happy. She offered it for free!! Three hours later the house deal fell through. That was all in 4 short agonizing weeks. Flights were booked, UHAUL'S were rented, kids came to help and now I am here. Back in the house I know I should sell but am being told to wait for the spring market. I am in a good place but thoroughly exhausted. A few more strings to untie and then settle in for the next season. Pool closed today. Now to get the windows hung, wall insert up and everything else buttoned up. I have met new friends, my true ones have revealed themselves and I am all the richer for it. I also found a small house for rent by a cranberry bog. Should I do it? I think so. It might ease the pain of having to move on from this home that I love and hoping to be enthusiastic about it all. My kids and grand kiddos are healthy and happy and secure, as much as we all can be. I am very grateful. Optimism kicking in. I am down 5 sizes, feeling great, looking pretty good. My head is clearer than ever before. Now by the grace of God I will carry on.

pale purple roses

Lilac roses actually. Dave gave them to me for our 35th. I love them. We repotted them on Sunday so they will continue to thrive.I can not wait to replant in our rose garden. Apparently, I do have one.
So I found this old post/draft above from 2009 and decided to publish it. Continuing on my life's journey a lot has happened since I last wrote. It has been 3 years since Dave has passed. "'Til death do us part" resonated within me and I put aside my deep grief and although I will always honor what we had together I know he would want me to move on. It is what i would want for him if the situation was reversed. I have his name/signature close to my heart in my special signature tattoo, that helps. I took off my wedding ring and fashioned flat gold hoops earrings from of both of our wedding rings. I can now enjoy them whenever I wish and they make me happy. I have started taking care of me. Losing weight, swimming, yoga, just overall general focus and care. It has been a long time in coming as I have always cared for everyone else. No regrets but nice to be able to focus on me. It feels awesome!! I have also met many new people; Cranwell swimmers, on a European cruise with a dear friend, people in the Berkshire and Cape community. I have done a few upgrades to the house in preparation to sell but realize I may need a bit more time to hug this place that I love so much. It is special and makes me happy. I believe I will uno when it is time to move on. I'm grateful for friends and family who support me and optimistic for the days ahead.

and its Mother's Day

I am so lucky. I have memories of years and years of you bringing me flowers Dave. You never forgot and always made me feel appreciated, not just on Mpther's Day but most every day. It's never going to be the same in my life without you but I do feel more capable lately of pushing through. It's lonely but I see a glimmer of life ahead. Not the life of my choosing but who knows what may come? I did;t know you were there for me until one bleak night and magically you entered my life. Our kids are precious gifts, thank you for that. You should see our grand kids, amazing souls. They are filled with light, love, hope and dreams May it always be so. I may sell the house soon. I may move closer to the ocean. I'll be nearer the kids and nearer my happy place. This home has been our happy place and I am comfortable in it. That being said everyone else feels I should sell. It's too big, it's too much, etc. etc. but its mine (ours). If I find a place I will make a quick decision and move forward. I had hoped the kids would want it as an investment, a sanctuary. This place is special and will be worth more again in time. I know it is more than dollars and sense but it was a labor of love for both of us for many years, our dream home. Dreams change and people move on. Anyway, I wanted to just check in and say hi, thinking of you today as always. Love you forever and thank you for always having my back and loving me, unconditionally. Your encouragement and reassurance is what I miss the most. That and your hugs and your holding my hand.

March and there is madness

Still trying here. Swimming as many days as my leg lets me. Trying to get out and plan something every day. Traveling when I am able. I am better when I am busy but it's hard. The nights are still desperately lonely. I read, watch TV, listen to music. Ah the music, the story and history of our days together. Thinking I won't list the house this spring but I really do have to move and down size. I thought the Cape was the answer but that might not make sense, not sure now. I love the ocean but want to be close to the kids. E wants that, K doesn't think that's a good idea. Not sure why, I have always wanted to be the gm to help. I thought I was but now not so sure it is welcome. KE is far away, not an option for me, R is in N so that doesn't make sense. I sit and try to figure it out but it always comes back to just me, alone, trying to forge ahead. Friends say I am doing well. It doesn't feel it. Lots and lots of loss lately. I could go seek out other kids to help but it is so sad to me that I have to do that, never thought I would be thinking along these lines. Dave told me to stay close and be a support to K, she'd need it, but that is not what she is saying at all. So if that door is not open I'll just have to understand that life as he knew it has changed. I'll be fine I know. I am a survivor, just have to recreate myself somehow. Praying on it each and every day. Dave, it'll be two years at the end of the month. I miss your arms around me and your loving encouragement and support. I love you x

Happy New Year 2017

Well, it's New Year's Eve. First one for me alone. I am missing Dave but carrying on. Had a wonderful week with everyone over Christmas. 16 of us under the Eaton Lane roof. Dave would have loved it! I did. Craziness, chaos and fun. I am thankful for the times when we gather, it make my life worth living. I had a quiet dinner and a relaxing day, straightening up and cleaning. Made a few lists that I will tackle tomorrow. Now I am off to bed and hope to dream of Dave and our life together. So very grateful for the years we had and the beautiful moments we shared. 2017 will be here soon enough and who knows what adventures it will bring? Life is for the living and I continue to try and figure out what that means for me. I'm praying for peace, comfort and health for my loved ones and hope good things are just around the corner for us all.

still trying and some times are harder than others

Even though I understand it all, sometimes I am not sure how this happened and why you had to leave. I understand it, it's what we all prayed for because you were suffering and it was not the kind of life you could lead. You tried, you tried hard to sustain yourself. I get it. I am just so sad and lonely without you. I keep busy, I really do. Everyone thinks I am doing great. I know others have lost people. I have felt loss before as well. This is different. There is no one to hold my hand, to talk with, to confide in, to complain to, to dream with, no one. I wish I could hold you, and you me. You said you didn't want to leave me and I told you I would be okay. I am trying. I was so very lucky to have had you in my life for so long. Now I am lost, especially at night. Nights are the hardest part. I'll love you, forever.

It's not great but getting better.

So epiphanies come when you least expect them, that's why they are epiphanies right? I am settling in and taking a deep breath. The house will sell when it does and I will make a move when I do but how lucky am I to have this wonderful home to live my life in this glorious area.Autumn in the Berkshires, trips to the Cape and visits with friends. No ocean yet but amazing family and friends and a pretty gorgeous home that Dave fixed up for me. Now to keep it up and glowing.

a retrospective a year and almost a half later

What amazes me the most is how people really don't get what this is. Some do occasionally grasp the loss but many say things like "Oh I know, I lost my mom, my sister, my cousin, my dog". The loss for my girls and their mates was significantly felt I know. More so than most as Dave had a special impact of his family. Loss is definitely loss but when your heart mate/soul mate leaves this world you are left with the void, th loss and without your constant "other voice and companion". If you have had a great marriage, and I did, we did, we had disagreements but never, ever a moment when we knew we weren't in it for the long haul. Ok, maybe a minute but the point is , we were in it, a commitment and loyalty. We had each other's backs and we there for each other every step of the way. Encouragement, chastisement, advice, laughs, hugs, kisses, intimacy and more. The connection on the spiritual level was profound. I always thought everyone had that, I realize now that this is not the case. People bitch about their partners and continue on in constant struggle and turmoil. Why? Life is just so short. Dave I miss you eery day in every way. I am going along and moving forward a bit easier these days. It will never be better, only a bit gentler until that time of day, that moment when I want to hug you, touch your hand and lay gently next to you in bed, just knowing tomorrow will be another day and you will be by my side. I'm grateful for the time we had. The wonderful children, grandchildren, friends and memories that was our life together. Now I am alone. I hold those memories in my heart and mind. Missing you , Sandy and Felix everyday in so many little ways. Thank you for your love and loyalty and friendship. <3

Wonderful vacation, time of my life...

Have you ever gone on a wonderful vacation and had the best time you have ever had in your life? Sure, maybe you had a rainy day here or there but that gave you time to pause, regroup and be thankful. However, when you stopped to reassess the time, a truly great vacation was enjoyed. I've come to realize that my 40 plus years with Dave was just that, a blessed gift of a vacation. Wonderful memories, photos along the way and a very safe harbor to enjoy my days. My kids,grandkids, special photos, wonderful meals and special places all have a glowing space in my heart and mind. I was lucky. I was happy, I was safe and I was completely loved. Now, to carry on. Soon we will gather for our family vacation once again. Dave, you will be with us in our minds and hearts but you will still be sorely missed. We will create new memories while treasuring the ones we had with you. I will keep my promise to you, to do the small things you asked me to do and because of that, keep you alive with us. I love you my soul mate and always will, until we meet again.

BBQ, roast chicken and hot dogs

It's funny what can trigger something and set me on a spiral of sadness. I can be working hard all day just trying to keep up and stay strong and then I see a commercial for family picnics. The husbands and wives getting together on the weekend to roast chicken on the grill and my thoughts go to Dave and how much he loved to grill, LOVED roast chicken and loved me. I feel selfish saying this but boy do I miss him. I miss his touch, his hug, him just gently rubbing my backhand sitting next to me.  I miss holding him. I am so lonely some days, mostly at night. I have friends, wonderful family and caring people who check in with me but at the beginning and end of each day I am alone. It is not an easy place to be. I do read and watch tv and do my "chores" and truly I am comfortable in my own skin but I just miss him so much. I try and keep busy and lord knows this house and the grounds keep me very much on my toes but when I stop there is no one to sit with, share with, complain to or be thankful that the day is done (with) and he was always so good at listening. I could always run things by him and I would get gentle encouragement or advice. We had 43 years of sharing, caring and loving and yes, even arguing that has left a lasting impression in me,  now a void. I know I have to give myself time. People say it can take years to become the new me. What happens when you really liked the old me?  I am trying and I will be ok but I really want a do over. Nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome. He was a man who made his own medical decisions and made me promise never to look back but I regret not arguing with him me to do certain things for himself. My greatest sadness is that he is missing out on our retirement years together, not seeing our grand kiddos grow and not being able to be there for our daughters and families. We often talked a lot about them and how to advise, now without him, I am alone in my thoughts and few ask me for that same advice. It is  interesting as I was always the one who suggested we help them, plan a trip, coulee, etc.  but very often he was the one who would deliver the help and advice.
The years ahead, the ones we had panned and dreamed about are now empty. Truth is, he truly always had my back, loved me and listened and cared about me first and foremost and I will forever miss that very special love. I was lucky.Now I have to figure out how to move forward. It was my last promise to him.

Spring 2016 and moving on

Sunday, March 20th, just returned from a great visit in NYC. Stayed with Rachel and Dustin. So very nice to see them and explore and go to Rachel's shows. Met Em and saw some old friends of Rachel's and mine. Good to be home after a NYC visit and the one before that to visit Dee in Naples. My leg is still working against me, trying to do rehab and PT but it's been 10 months now and still not great. It's better but holding me back. I am feeling a bit renewed and strengthened or at least walking the walk though after seeing kids and friends.
I fluctuate between waiting to sell and knowing I do not need to and wanting to stay but everyone tells me to do it. So, as I look ahead and that is my plan. A good friend said recently when I find the "new, great place" I will be excited to go forward with my new life's chapter. Looking at beach communities, they always make me happy. No matter where I go, it will be just me without Dave. I get that very clearly now. I will carry him with me, in my heart and on my heart, thank you tatoo. :)
I know how blessed to have had such an amazing love story in my history for 43 years. I will always miss and love him but I need to move on. I know that is what he wanted for me. Some days I do it with grace, some days I struggle. Everyday I pray for strength, patience and insight to do the right thing for me and for my family.
I was invited to Cincy for Easter with the kids and Nat and Mike, very kind of them. I had already promised to go to Reading. So I am off to Easter next weekend with Kate, Tom and crew along with Em *& Dan. After that I am back to continue on clearing out and planning ahead. I am lucky to have choices. God has a plan for me and I hope I can be patient.
On the 30th Dave will be gone one year. I have struggled with this and am not sure I want to commemorate the day of his passing. I would rather celebrate his birthday and all the joy he brought in to so many lives. Gathering with the guys this week before Easter. Many people still feeling his loss. Love and miss you Dave, my soul mate, my love and my life.

come on spring.

February 22nd, just a month or so later since my last post. First Valentine's Day without you here, the boys; Tom, PJ and Dan were so thoughtful and brought me red roses as you always did.  It touched my heart and made the week a little less painful. Kate and family spent the day and overnight with me. Once again I am so thankful for her and all of our children, they do lift me up. I try to lift them as well but not sure if I am helping lately.  Feb. 18th came and went, I drank out of our gold wedding goblets, 42 years and I still love you so much.

In between these poignant anniversaries, Sandy B passed. You probably know this now but I have to say, it just broke my heart. 44 years of friendship and I miss her every day. As I walk around the house I see her touches and gifts from over 4 decades of friendship. The family all gathered and that helped but I am praying for Joe, he is devastated.  Phew. Life is precious but this part sucks.

I am gearing up to relist our house. I'm committed to follow your plan and sell the house. Looking ahead to a condo by the beach, somewhere close to kids and the ocean. I hope you will be with me and help with my decisions.

I am praying we all stay strong and join together as a family. It has always been our/my strength. Just having the girls together over the funeral weekend I felt our families power. I will continue to do what I have done and hold it together. I know it meant everything to you , to both of us.

9 and almost a half months

But who's counting really? The holidays came and went and if it wasn't for my family a difficult time would have been so much harder. Rachel came and stayed for a week. She was my sleepover buddy and that was so comforting to me. We had fun and I felt less alone for that time. Em and Dan arrived and then Barry and though Dan had to work, Rachel, Em and Barry and I got through Christmas Eve. It was not easy but so glad to have them with me. Kate, Tom and crew arrived Christmas Day and filled up our house with joy and more life than it had seen in a while. Thankful for all of that craziness. Keely and PJ were at home in Chicago with the kiddos and I was grateful for that as it was their first holiday at home. The festivities were not as festive without the little ones to share in the cousins joy but again, I was grateful.

The Hallmark channel and the simple messages of love took up a lot of the lonely nights. I laugh as I had never watched these shows before but they became a great source of comfort on the nights when I sat missing you Dave.I just didn't realize how profound the loss would be.  Your life goes from full, busy, involved and constantly with your love to quiet and alone.  Especially Sundays, always our most favorite day of the week. After we sold our restaurant we held Sundays as sacred. We drank coffee, read the paper and relaxed together. Small projects got done but we were always there in the house, around the house together. Now I make lists, accomplish them and am alone. I have a few great friends who lift me up, a few good invites a week but at the end of the day I come home alone and start out the day alone. I am comfortable in my own skin most days, I just deeply and profoundly miss you Dave. You alone, loved me unconditionally, you hugged me, touched my neck, my hand, my heart. You encouraged, reasoned, argued and listened.

I moved your picture from next to the recliner to the tv speaker. Now instead of over my shoulder you are there when I want to look at it. Sounds silly, as I have several of your pictures in the room but it was significant for me.

I still sleep on the right side of the bed, after 43 years what else can I do. The left side is still your side, I try inching over but its a phantom space that will always belong to you I think.

I started swimming. It's been good. Cranwell gives me a bright spot in my day to look forward to and I am grateful. Exercising and losing weight a bit at a time. First time in 37 years that I can think of myself and take time. The kids, work 7 days a week and my mom took time and I don't regret any of it, except the last few months of your life which still breaks my heart when I allow myself to go back to that time. Again, I don't regret any of it, just miss you deeply. I am so thankful that through the years, even when times were tough we paid our bills and worked hard for our financial future. The money doesn't replace you at all and I would go back in a heart beat to the days or you and me together but it helps me to live a gentler life. I made quite a few donations in your name this year. The kids all keep you alive in their stories, pictures and heart. You are missed because you were a respected, loved, talented and honorable man. That's your legacy and it is a great one.

My knee is slowly healing. After 9 mos of craziness, misdiagnosis, working it too hard, testing and too many doctor visits,  I feel I am on the road to healing. Trying to avoid a surgery that will only lead to more surgery.  I am off to swim soon and then meet Pat for lunch. Funny how two horribly sad happenings have brought us in to the club that no one wants to belong to, the widow's club. We laugh and joke,  she gets me and I get her. We cry but the time spent together is filled with more fun than of sadness these days.  I am grateful to be alive and will try to keep going forward and create my new life. I know you would not want it any other way, you said as much. Miss you my sweetheart, always. x

7 months and 7 days

7 months, how is that possible.? Most days I can not figure out the exact day of the week but I always know when the 30th rolls around. I think I always will. For some reason Sundays are very hard. I think it was always the day we looked forward to the most. Our time together to do nothing other than what we needed or wanted to do. I try to remember and live in the good memories of all the years we had and not in the last couple months but I struggle.  I still realize fully how lucky I am to have such great kids and friends. Not a day goes by when someone isn't reaching out via text, email or a phone call. The invites come but still, it doesn't fill the emptiness in my soul. I try to block it out these days. The loneliness is not a place where I can dwell. I know you did not want that for me at all. I promised you I would stay strong and positive. I am trying.  I read more, watch movies, go out, run errands, keep up the house and try to do for others. I find that helps give me a purpose and fills my days. Dave, you'd laugh, you who knew me so well. I never went to the doctors other than the usual physicals or mammograms and preventive tests. Ah, the preventive tests. How many preventive tests are we doing today? Enough that we could be at the doctors, once a month, preventatively. I injured myself in May, 6 plus months ago. I have been to my primary more often than I care to say, PT for 2 straight months, an orthopedist, a vascular surgeon. I've had xrays, ultrasounds and now tonight in a bit I go for my first MRI. I'm ok and will be fine I am sure but it's ironic. Maybe my leg is dying of a broken heart. I spent the better part of my adult life caring for others, being their advocate. My sister, my mom and then of course you Dave. It was my privilege to do it but I sure do wish I had a me by my side. The reality is I am alone. I am comfortable in my own skin and a brave enough soul but once again, it's just lonely. You aren't here to listen Dave. I talk aloud, touch my heart and look at your pictures but I am alone. I find I can speak to the girls but really, what is there to say? They miss you so much. Everyone does.  I feel as though it is constant complaining when I voice it outside of our home. It never felt that way with you. I listened to you and you to me. I'll find a way to carry on. I am actually. Every day I get up, get dressed, go out and take steps forward. Every night, no matter what I do, I come home alone. I know I have come a long way these past several months. When I look back I see what I have accomplished. I have a tattoo now! Your signature with a musical note and it's over my heart! It actually makes me very happy. I touch it and feel close to you, as close as I am able now. I do know you have been around lately through your music and your little messages we all feel your presence. Hey, we were lucky to love you and have you in our lives for so very long. As I've said many times before, when its good it's never long enough.

I was 8 when my dad passed

and so in many ways it was a vacant holiday for me. Until 1973 when I shared Father's Day with Dave and his dad for the very first time.  Not only did I treasure my soon to be father in law but Dave was my new and long awaited protector, lover, my everything. I think I finally understood what a father figure was when he stepped in to care for me and support me emotionally.  He never said no, don't try this, or maybe you shouldn't  do that. It was always left  up to me to explore, reach out, extend myself, whether in business, friendships, the community. He was my greatest supporter and always there to encourage me along the way.

For 42+ years we celebrated Father's Day traditions. We had our cat, then our cats, then our dogs, then our kids.

One of my daughters called today to say happy father's day. A mom now, she realized as a mom what I had done over the years to facilitate all those celebrations for her dad when everyone was little. I thanked her and said I enjoyed and gave it considerable thought for many years.  It certainly is not a holiday about me but it definitely became a family holiday because of me.

No one deserved it more than my husband. He brought the joy, balance and steadiness to my/our lives.  A strong and compassionate and quiet man, he listened and allowed  people to vent, discuss, explore and try new things.  I find that on most days I push through knowing that is what he wanted me to do. Do not be bitter he said. Promise to stay strong and carry on. I am trying Dave. Honestly, I am doing ok but on quite a few days lately and many a night it is just so damn lonely and sad. I prayed for God to take you as I couldn't bear to see you struggle any longer. You wanted dignity and grace and you were a champion through to the end. So for your peace I am grateful.

 Last night I was reading the handmade cards he would create for me and I for him. I was filled with sweet memories of holidays gone by and my eyes filled with tears of joy, thanks and memories that I try to grasp and hold onto.  It ended in a flood of grief stricken tears. Overwhelmed in the knowledge that once again he was gone from my life forever.

I struggle for my part on this journey, I'm at a loss right now. I miss you Dave,  your smile and your hugs and your gentle hands to hold. Your advice, your perspective and your balance, that's it, I am out of balance and trying to find my way. I have friends, I have our family,  all so supportive but
in the end, it's me alone with the memory of you by my side.

Happy Father's Day my love, thank you for everything along the way.

September remember September

Not sure how this happened but it is Sept. 3rd already. The summer zipped by faster than any previous ones. I do hope we get a slow and steady autumn but its doubtful. Seems as though each weekend is full already and then the holidays come at us full speed. Visiting with kiddos, ordering product for the season, doctors visits, keeping up with the daily, all the  while trying to take moments to just be. Praying each and every morning and night that we have many more moments to come. Our kids are healthy, my grand kids are healthy and we have a new one on the way!! Life is good and Stølåt will continue to be my daily mantra. May it be so for a long, long time.

Knee deep in the water somewhere

And it felt so very good this year. Just back from vacation with my favorite people in the entire world! So happy and blessed to have been able to take this vacation this year. There were days that I was concerned it might not happen, but it did!  The ocean is so healing and peaceful. I love watching everyone by the sea: swimming,  digging in the sand or just gazing at the sparkling water. It was like a shot in the arm for the two of us, hopefully for all of us.

I'm sure I will feel revitalized soon but for now I am in full blown missing them mode. Still I'm thankful and filled with gratitude.  I'll go forward with a bit more strength and hope in my heart and then I'll "jump right in." (My new song for CCC'14)

seven come eleven

May 2013 and Dave is in the midst of #11. Next up 12 and then? Praying for good, healing miracles and strength to help him bounce back. He has been strong and stubborn and those two attributes have kept us all positive and him moving forward.  I dream of days and nights of just "doing", traveling, road trips, sitting at the beach, at the pool or just normal days without doctors, appointments and "things " to take care of medically. Through it all, there continues to be a lot of good that has come our way these last seven months.

Our friends, family and kind strangers have sent prayers of healing and angels to watch over us,

We have a new grandchild who is just an absolutely wonderful blessing! We have promises for the future of new life and happy times. Our daughters are healthy, happy and thriving and their life choices are bringing them joy and encouragement. Our ever growing family of dear grandkids and "sils" grows with kind and caring members. We really are truly blessed and thankful! 

Praise the Lord and pass the sunshine

# 7 is a thing of the past and only 5 more to go. Miracles and prayers and all good things are welcome here. Happy Easter, Happy Spring!

Happy Valentine's Day! He's here and resting. I am thankful. Praying the rest of the treatments are gentler on him. Praying for healing, strength and peace.